I should start with how we ended up fostering.
I have a deep belief that everyone has a calling and desire to make the world a better place. A belief we should leave planet earth in a better place than when we found it. And every single person has a role to play. Everyone has been given different gifts and talents to bring some form of justice, healing, or joy to the world around them. To do this, prayers and positive vibes on their own are not enough. Love that changes the world needs to be embodied. It takes boots on the ground to bring about the change we want to see in the world. I believe when you lean into your purpose in helping the world, this is where you will find your deepest purpose and fulfilment. Our role and what we do will look different in different seasons of our lives. Sometimes we do big things, sometimes we do little things.
Making the world a better place can take a million different forms; from helping people to animals or the environment. Some of us are lucky enough to make their calling their occupation or it might be something we work on after hours or perhaps it's the way we carry ourselves through all areas of our life. Doctors, nurses, physiotherapists, dietitians, psychologists, counsellors, writers, comedians, artists, marine biologists, veterinarians, teachers, coaches, foster parents, and many many other vocations have the potential to bring healing, joy, and peace to the world. Maybe your calling is your job or maybe part of your role is simply how you conduct yourself throughout the mundane. It could look like; treating everyone with kindness, speaking up on behalf of the vulnerable, picking up garbage when you are on your walk, or asking the grocery store checkout person how their day is rather than looking past them are all ways we can make the world a better place.
Early on in our marriage I worked as a teacher and my wife worked as a social worker. We saw first hand the foster care crisis in our community. It seemed there was an epidemic on our hands and there were more kids needing good safe homes then were available. Which has ended up putting many kids in less than ideal living situations. Bearing in mind my previous thoughts, it was a no brainer that if we ever found ourselves in a situation with extra room in our house and in our hearts, we would have to strongly consider helping foster kids, Even if just for a season of life. Life quickly got busy; we were working hard, paying off student loans, and having our own kids. Next thing you know we have a busy little house with careers, 3 young kids, extra curricular activities, and busy social lives. It was tough to imagine volunteering any more of our precious time to anything else. I also found myself with a new life rule: I have to do whatever is best for my precious young family. So this often meant saying no to more things. Family 1st.
Once our kids got a little older, were potty trained and a little more independent, the foster care conversation started popping up again. I wanted to help but at the same time had worries about what it would take away from our own kids. So we decided to start slow. We took on a few kids in emergency situations that just needed an in between place until they could find something more permanent. We had some really cute kids come in and out of our house and it didn't put too much strain on the family. So we ended up signing up for a program that was a little more long term and a little more intense.
***DISCLAIMER: before reading on keep in mind that we ended up with a young guy that is sweet as pie but also one of the tough ones,. Don't let the following discourage you if you are considering fostering!!***
Our new guy came to us about 3 years ago. There's no way to sugar coat it. First day in I was wondering what the H we had done. I'm not over exaggerating when I say he was wild. When we got him there were a lot of basic things he needed to learn such as using the toilet and how to communicate with words. There were times he would get on all 4's and lap up water from a puddle when he was thirsty. He would eat his dinner by burying his face straight into his plate, usually not even using his hands and definitely not using utensils. We would have to keep an extremely close eye on him because if you turned your back for a second he would be into something he shouldn't be. I remember being at the beach and within seconds he had made his way into a garbage can and was chewing on a hotdog that looked like it was at least a couple weeks old. There were times he got mad at me and literally growled at me and barred his teeth. On top of it all he didn't seem to need much sleep. He could stay up late and be up at the crack of dawn and sometimes up a few times through the night. Soon we found out that he had autism, which along with his rough first few years of life made for some extremely challenging needs. Constant public temper tantrums and no sense of boundaries meant doing anything social or in the community was stressful.
Over the years every single member of our family has been in tears at one point over how tough it has been. Milestones such as the first time he broke skin from biting one of our kids, hitting my wife, breaking a window, or breaking the PS4 all made me seriously question what we had signed up for. I wanted to throw in the towel so many times. I was feeling the tension between my 2 important worldviews I held. I wanted to do work that helps the world, but I also needed to do whatever is best for my family. It has been really hard. Sometimes I wonder if it is supposed to be this hard or if I am just being punished for my 20s. Some days I really regret it and I feel like I have failed my kids for letting the last 3 years be so hard on the family. Lately, however I have been wondering if hard on the family is the same thing as bad for the family. Sure, at times we have all wanted to pull our hair out and run for the hills but at the same time our kids have learned some really important life lessons through the process. It has been all hands on deck for helping this little guy grow and integrate into normal life routines. Everyone in the house has helped him learn how to wash hands, learn to communicate with words, eat with a fork, take turns, look someone in the eye, play with others, etc. It's been hard but there has also been plenty of good that has come out of it. In fact our kids have been incredibly gracious and helpful and they have enjoyed helping him learn new skills and develop emotions such as empathy and compassion. I'll never forget the first time our son Ethan was having a temper tantrum and was refusing to leave the park. The rest of us started to ignore the meltdown and head for the van. It was our little foster guy that ran back sprinting towards him yelling "Ethan! Ethan! Ethan!" With tears in his eyes he grabbed Ethan's hand and started pulling him towards the van. Ethan was so shocked he had to comply. This was one of the first displays of empathy we saw! We actually can't believe the progress he has made from basic survival instincts to showing love, empathy, kindness, and compassion. Our kids have been such important influences in his growth. I just hope at the end of the day the good moments will outweigh the tough ones. I hope all the range of experiences, good and bad, will help them to grow into strong, thoughtful, caring, and compassionate adults. I think they will.
There are seasons of life where we just gotta do what we can to get through the end of the day, where the thought of adding something new to our plate is enough to cause panic. Seasons of self care are super important. I believe the goal of self care is part of a bigger picture. We take care of ourselves not just for the sake of being healthy but so we can be healthy and help make the world a better place. We focus on healing ourselves so we are better equipped to help others in need of healing. We seek our own joy so we can bring joy to others. We want to be blessed so we can be a blessing. There is a balance of receiving and passing on. We will have seasons where we do big things that take a lot out of us, and we will have seasons where the most we have in us is to ask the checkout lady how her day is going. We do what we can, when we can.
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