Something about my personality that works well for me and at other times works against me, is when I get fixated on something I cannot let it go. I am like a dog with a bone. It has served me well for many things; saving my pennies for 2 years to get Lasik, decorating my house and making sure it is done how I wanted it to (wallpaper looks awesome but can be a real lesson in patience and persistence) and becoming foster parents (the length of time it takes to get the training done takes some perseverance). It serves me well when I need to advocate for my little guy, I won't stop until I get it (or some variation of what we need!).
When it hasn't served me well is in different aspects of fostering, generally when it is around something that I don't have control over. I am at the point now that when I talk to someone within social services, or one of his extended family members I experience real anxiety. I can't let it go. I am like a dog with a bone. I think and think and think about it, as if thinking about it is going to help me. It's not. I am not thinking about anything new. I am not coming up with any new solutions. I am worrying over things I have no control over. I am imaging scenarios I have imaged 100x over. Ultimately I have said the things I can say, I have advocated for the things we believe are in his best interest and now we wait. I had the worst night last night that I have ever had. I was up until past 1 am. If you know me well, this is really late for me! I am in bed and usually enjoying my rem cycle by 9:30pm! I laid there after speaking with a worker earlier in the afternoon and replayed the conversation. I felt okay with how I handed things; except for the fact I cried almost the whole time talking to the worker. Oh well, can't win them all! At least I didn't yell! When I woke up this morning I still felt heavy and burdened. I sat down to start work and then the Holy Spirit spoke to me.
"I love him more".
Relief, gratitude, comfort and peace. That one statement of fact reminds me that my family is not the only one loving on him. We are not the only ones advocating for him. We are not the only ones that love him. God. God loves him even more than we do. This is the truth I need to now hold onto. This is the truth I will hold onto like a dog with a bone and I won't let go!
Opmerkingen